STEAMPUNK8

It is a whole new level to live it, outside looking in. Mad as a hatter, I might reach the point of no return. My perspective in this situation is much more transforming than Disneyland, bigger than myself. If you hold her hand, it is warm, soft, and one of the closest I ever got to God. I have been touched by God, like the rain of accumulated sighs from the heavens. I will not hurt you, Sweetheart, and you are never alone. You would think I am talking to our daughter, but the flesh and blood I speak of, is my wife

Emotional IQ is a gift. It is my purpose. I am empty without her in my life. Fortunately, I am coming into myself, feeling for the first time that there is something greater than life. Greater than what is in it for me.

It is dark where her heart beats. I can’t pretend to think that in her core there is a wanting that seeks understanding. How long has this been going on? Has something terrifying happened to her?

I try to read the signs. A generous invitation to take our daughter to the movies for daddy, and daughter bonding, can be misconstrued. I could not relax. I couldn’t stop worrying. What happens when we leave out that door? My wife already cries, sobs, about how tired she is about being a financial burden on everyone.

But what happens when she goes manic and lashes out on me for no particular reason. Does this mean we are divorcing?  Would she be happier if we separated?

Should we?

I feel like a punching bag. Blunt. At the same time, in time of her need, I need to transcend outside of my selfishness. It is not about me. I have thoughts sometimes about how sorry my life is. Bringing this up is a malignant force to be reckoned with. No.

What I am doing? With every step I make toward progress, I question every minute alive. “Am I enabling her?” “Am I true to myself?” and “When I assert myself, why does she fight me?” We all have personality flaws.

I feel bad that I am completely powerless. In order to combat my own demons, I resorted to the internet for companionship. I first thought that I was a sick fuck to look for love without getting divorced. But it actually is more sensible than divorce, even if it is only eye candy and my right hand.

I have failed in relationships. I have a poor self image. I have been stripped of my dignity. Karma.. I did this to myself. I deserve it.

I have only my mind alone with my memories of being on the brink. I have a college degree. I have traveled the world. I have gone on to earn a Master’s degree. I am married. I have a daughter.

I was thinking again about morals. I couldn’t escape the moral chains I carry with me all the time.

Am I being fake? But what else can I do?

I need love and she is poisoning my heart.  My antidote is to make myself feel good. Is divorce an option. I don’t want to traumatize my daughter any more than what she’s already going through.

I wonder to myself, am I doing something wrong? Does she need me more than I need to write this down? Am I selfish?

All of a sudden, in a flash, I have a negative self image. I am a fucken strobe light. Blink, flash, blink, flash, blink, flash, blink, flash, blink, flash!

This kind of thinking does me no good. Blink.

Stress is wasted energy. Blink.

But, I can’t escape my thoughts. Blink.

I have a cache reserve of black stinking guilt. Blink.

Guilt is also wasted energy. Blink.

To relieve the crushing pressure, I thought that I had found something greater than myself to believe in.

Blink, flash, Blink, flash, blink, flash, blink, flash.

Pulse, beat, pulse, beat, Pulse, beat, pulse, beat.

Swell, recede, swell, recede. Swell, recede, Swell, Recede.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Blink, Flash, Blink, flash,…flash, blink, flash, blink, flash, blink… blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink.

Louder than bombs.

It is more complicated than what I envision in my mind. How does one bring this illness up? I try to find a way to escape my situation, but unfortunately, I still carry the moral chains that are made of bad tidings. This decision is the hardest thing I have had to do. I must decide for the sake of my family, but also for my dignity. I’ve got to protect the only glimpse of enjoyment that I have left, but I am lost in the glare of the big bright lights.  I look at myself in the mirror daily and say, “I am a good person. I am a good person,” ad homonym.

After phoning her doctor concerning her situation but not getting anywhere, I accompany her to her next doctor’s appointment. Every minute, down to the seconds of this appointment, calling attention to what I think she’s hiding. Blink

Every Second Counts. Blink, blink.

It took no less courage than a maiden artic bound sea vessel. However, I think that all of us walked away feeling that gray skies were clearing. From that point on we walked in the valley of rainbows and sunshine. Poetic justice? No.

Loser?

Then one day, she said, “I have not taken my meds.” All at once, glory has been stripped away. Blink, blink… blink, blink… blink, blink.

What?

The?

Fuck? How the hell can she just go off her meds and not see what consequences that it brings? What she does – is this my life? Why should I trust her? She is playing suicide with my family. I am appalled. Anty up. Let’s play! Who wants to play Russian Roulette?

 What’s next, her family? mi Corazon? Me? This is clearly moving in the wrong direction. Blink.