STEAMPUNK7

After the second ER visit in one year, I still felt helpless. There were more questions than answers. Yet everyone was telling me about how strong I am. How can I be strong when I …. can’t enjoy the journey. I am traumatized by it.

Like year after year, the holidays are upon us, and I am forced to chase my demons away. I released them less than a thought, and then inhaled them back in incessantly, like the stale smell of beer and decay. My wife – for better, or worse – is very possessive of my relationship with my mom and sister.

My spouse would be right, to say my relationship with my mom is unhealthy. Throughout the chase, confusion and insanity dominated my early 20’s. I declared myself mental. After only 2 years of college, I came undone. But I did know, I screw up. I became overfamiliar with drugs. And, thus, began this game of psychological blackmail, between me vs everyone. Did I mention, I’ve suffer from Paranoia?

My mom would put me to the test through, tease, bullying, and mind tricks. After 20 years of progress, this still continues.  She doesn’t believe in depression. She doesn’t think medicine is the way. She lies and claims I am the insane one. She has called me insane.

I hurt.

I still hurt.

I needed my mom’s warm embrace. I was only a child (albeit a 20 year old man child). I needed guidance and a sympathetic ear. I needed support. I was confused. I can’t stand it when she hugs me. I am repulsed.

I feel she gave up on me.

Yet, I have found a place for her in my heart. I forgive her. Divinity.

The part that bothers me the most is that, my wife does not allow me to fight my battles, or more to the point, is that preconceived notion she has that, I am not capable to fight my own battles. This does not do me justice.

To say that my family is stubborn is a great understatement. I was explicitly told to not invite her to a kids party for Hanukkah, hosted by my sister.

But, I had this all wrong. Make believe. Denying her relationships with my family. But sometimes, she needs to discover this in her own ways. This yields to loneliness. Her world is rapidly locked up from all social contact. She’s over the rainbow, and can only find her way back – on her own. This is life.

Feeling lonesome, she threatened to kill herself again. It was during this Hanukkah party, that depression took a bite. It began when I called her earlier while she was waiting to pick our daughter up from school. She asked me why didn’t my sister want her to come over for a Hanukkah party. I was asked to not bring her because she doesn’t really try to fit in and looks miserable.

How miserable can I make her? This is no game. No solace. I tried to make peace. Should I run away in the opposite direction? What is the next call.

(Do you care, Dear Reader? Is this a writing exercise? Believe me, because I am setting you up. But that is why you allowed me to take you along on this ride. What I produce, you are observing. What I exploit, you hunger for. Thank you “Dear Reader.” Exploited and shared and is like stepping onto a patch of darkness. On a vehicle rolling out into the dark and desolate sea of abyss.)

About an hour later, her mom called me and told me that she was withdrawn for that whole hour after we got off the phone. I told her mom to wait and if things get worse, I would go home right away. 5 minutes later, my wife called me at work and told me she wants to kill herself. I asked her to give the phone to her mom and I told her mom to take her straight to the ER. I hung up the phone right away and left work.

It was me acting out – bottled up anger – that twisted my perception of the mood against the special woman in my life. I had to turn the black carcinogenetic truth-ish I created, into raving festering of golden blunders. A festering decayed side-show carnival. It was something that could only be believed if seen by an outsider, like you “dear reader.”

It seemed like I had intelligence turned upside down. This is what a conversation to the mirror sounds like; a reflection of myself reveals (irresponsible, disappointment, misery) the possibilities of Murphy’s Law – that things could go wrong.

I understand that to the people of my family, my tribe, it looks like I am a prisoner of the psychological suffering dished out of the hands of my wife. And they would be right. I have had many talks with my sister. If I were her, I guess I would have a sour impression too.

But my wife is still my wife. I love her. I couldn’t talk myself into saying good bye. At least, this is what my mind was telling me at that moment; ignorance. That is what I have to learn. And what do I have to embrace and unlearn? I am psychologically tormented. My thoughts were seething with hatred as dark as tar. But should I care what my sister thinks?

I couldn’t forgive my sister, and by not doing so,  I am truly disabled. A long time ago, she convinced me that I was on the brink of insanity, and without a conscious, she stood in the way of my mental stability. Much like our mother. When I was at the pentacle of despair, she and my mom, contributed to my insecurity by playing mind games.

When I got home, I saw our 5 year old daughter in what could be perceived as a state of shock. I picked her up and gave her a big hug. I put her down and went straight to see my other half. I rubbed her back, talked to her for 5 minutes, but she was not responsive. I closed the door and talked with her mom and dad.

Our Daughter, mi Corazon, really wanted to be in the conversation, by making herself visible but not in the way. At one point, I needed to get to the car. I asked her to come with me, where I can talk with her privately.

I asked her if she has any questions and she said, “Is mommy going to die?” My heart swelled on the waves of a psychological tsunami.

I can’t say how many emotions were running through my body and soul. I felt so bad for, my daughter, mi Corazon. For the remainder of these writings, she will be known as mi Corazon. She has been and continues to impress me by her innocents, honesty, and curiosity. I love her so much.

At that point, darkness set in. It was really late and I needed to put mi Corazon to bed. And despite the darkness, I saw the sunshine in her eyes. Please God, don’t let the sun down on her. EVER. Much of the holidays should be filled with joy, happiness, hope, respect, and love. And my experience of recent years past are clouded with PAIN.