STEAMPUNK13

I am sick with worry. She is haunted by her thoughts of hurting herself. She holds on to things that are deconstructive. She has no control of them either. She can’t tell the difference between her thoughts and reality. She feels alone, misunderstood. I took her to the hospital.

I don’t know anything about what she knows. I think I have walked in her shoes, but I haven’t. I haven’t even seen anyone this desperate. 3 weeks ago, we decided that she needs supervision at all times. She went to the ER. At that point, I stayed with her the whole night, and I called in Sick the next day.

I have put my life on hold.

Despite what people might think they know about depression, it is not a silent disease, and I am anything but silent. But, I am scared. We need to raise our expectations so that happiness isn’t taken for granted. We all have to face our fears and must stay calm and composed even as the shit hits the fan. Sometimes we talk – other times I want to scream.

Everything I needed to know, I had to naturally ask. How does she plan on doing it? So I asked. Does she hears voices? So I asked. Does she have a scenario and if she was going to carry it out? So I asked.

I tell her things that she needs to hear, besides the standard pep talk. About how we too, are angry, frustrated, and tired. That she’s not suffering alone. In perspective, whatever is worth arguing about, there needs to be an equal or opposite cooling off period. What is worth getting upset over, is not personal and shouldn’t get in anyone’s way.

Not getting upset over something takes strength and discipline. Something dear to your heart. To get over it and move on is just as passionate as the steady trembling or shaking of the hands. My wife told me to never tell her to “get over it. Never tell a person whose depressed that.” I told her I wasn’t telling her to get over the depression. At that point, her mother says that, “we should support My wife, 100%”

Really? So when she kills herself, we support that too? I am not comfortable in supporting her 100%, and enabling her to kill herself.

I am concerned about mi Corazon’s psychological safety. My wife can withdraw from reality from time to time. I worry about mi Corazon’s wellbeing when she does.

I don’t think My wife sees anything except fear and darkness and hatred. We have to rebuild the walls of her prison. Please let me come in and take shelter from the storm – breaking the waves of chaos.

I hope she can get the help she needs and fast.

Yet, if she’s honest with herself, she can get better, but it will take a long time – borrowed time, and she has to do all the work on her own. Her own get-a-way, a hazy feeling in winter. In tune to her soul.

One Tuesday, I met the elementary school’s therapist, social worker from mi Corazon’s school. The meeting was about mi Corazon. As a parent, I was concerned that she might be struggling with how sick her mommy is. I hope we can find help for her, if it is needed. However, she is so strong. I don’t have any concerns about her from my perspective on how I see things. But this isn’t about me.

On a later occasion, My wife and I brought mi Corazon to school early to talk with the school therapist again. Hopefully, the therapist can rest our minds and concerns over her. Our minds are full of love.

Share with me, dearest reader, what keeps you up at night? I hope you are never afraid to ask questions and if you need help, please ask for help, too.

The therapist is someone who volunteers at mi Corazon’s school to evaluate and assess how much help she might need. mi Corazon is attending public school, and with the grace of God, she isn’t overwhelmed by school and the volatility of what is going on at home. Can I be overreacting? I just wanted to make sure that if she needs help in processing what is going on at home, that she gets help. My wife is doing a lot better in terms of her taking care of our daughter.

I hope I am going to do the right thing. I am fighting for mi Corazon’s wellbeing. I am finding myself defending even the slightest regrets. The fight begins. The Chase.

My wife is very irresponsible with money. And she is going to get into a lot of trouble if I don’t do anything. I won’t divorce her. She needs me and I hope that she knows that I still love her. Yet, if I don’t do anything, I might lose all I have, what we’ve worked hard for.

We’ve always had money problems. I should have seen the writing on the walls. 3 days before the wedding, My wife’s parents did not deliver on their promise to help finance the wedding. I was lead to believe that I wouldn’t have to worry. Unfortunately though, I have to say “enough is enough.” Sometimes, saying and doing are not the same. I believe she might even be writing bad checks.

I hope I am doing the right thing, and mi Corazon has the happy childhood she was meant to have.

A good mommy is a good mommy no matter what. And no mother wants to see her child go through this. It’s easy for me, because I can step out of the picture and look at the situation objectively. It is a mother’s love that is hurting. Sometimes, just sometimes, happiness can make you cry.

I picked up mommy from the hospital. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but at this point it’s over now. I asked my wife about moving back into our apartment. I saw her every day at the hospital. I see small improvements.

It’s really hard. I think that the environment all around is not doing anyone good. I suggested she move back. I also told her parents, but no one is talking.

One thing is certain, at this point, she has a better relationship with money, than with me. What I mean is, that as irresponsible she is with our finances, it becomes my baggage because I am the only one making money. I don’t think banks will even give her a checking / savings account. She owes a lot of money and since she doesn’t work, I have to clean up her mess. I won’t divorce her….but something has to be done.