STEAMPUNK12

Right now, she is asleep in her bed. I am writing this to her as she sleeps. Sleep baby sleep. Baby, don’t cry.  So peaceful. Bedtime.

We are living in a small 1 bedroom apt. We moved 3 times so far this year. I made a series of bad decisions. Bad decisions bleed, but can also clean. Will we ever have a house with a tree and a grassy yard to enjoy?

Dream big, little one.

Every night at this point, I read her a story. She might ask me to sleep on the lower bunk and her on the top bunk. Good night.

It is really hard on all of us. But especially mi Corazon. I see how very concerned she is and see her trying to be strong. My heart aches for her having to deal with adult issues. The only thing she should have to worry about is grade school stuff.

My daughter and I went swimming for the first time in our new apartment. I really love how social she is. I am filled with love at how quickly she makes friends. I have sometimes doubted myself, but she is filled with confidence. There will be plenty of years compounded with misery – this too shall pass.

When I get home, during the summer, I take her to the pool/Jacuzzi. She’s a little guppy fish. Who wouldn’t get excited about swim time (especially at her age)? Doing this, is my way of paying attention to see how well she is adjusting to the new apartment dwelling? Because this is where we are going to live over the next year or two (hopefully not more). I love my family.

“Do you like swimming?” I ask. “Do you love to swim?” I recall in an ozone psyche daze.

“Yes,” is her reply. “But I am just beginning to learn and you have had your whole life to get good at it. I need you to be patient with me, ok?”  Such a sophisticated question from a little child.

“If I pull you in the water will you sink?”

“Stop it, your scaring me!”

“Don’t worry.”

She has floaties, and of course I wouldn’t do anything harmful to her. I promise her, once she realizes that she isn’t going to drown, she’ll have a blast.

One thing I try to teach her, something she needs to know, something to remember for her whole life. “Choose a Happy Face.” In my experience if you smile, the whole world smiles with you.

I love my daughter. Its almost as chronic as Crohn’s Disease. Mi corazon and Crohn’s Disease intersect and the apex is characterized by the sweet and incontinence. Incontinence usually happens while trying to find a parking space. Therefore, I park where I shouldn’t, run red lights, speed at unsafe conditions, maximum limits, running just to not crap in my pants before time runs out.

I feel bad, when mi corazon has to go to the bathroom, I can be short tempered with her. Yet, I have a little girl that has to see me desperate for the bathroom almost on a daily basis. I hope she does not fear going to the bathroom. Go ahead, read it again and laugh, I know you and how it must sound, but grow up.

I might have to leave her alone in the car. Is that OK? Fuck you.

I might have to leave her alone in the car, and if someone sees this he/she will call the cops on me. By the way, FUCK YOU!

But know this, I will never leave her in harm’s way, I love her.

I love the bond when My wife and I snuggle with her. I am trying to nurture a model citizen. I love building the garden, building branches out of a little seedling, basking in the shade of knowledge, and of knowing exactly what to do at that moment. I still have a lot of processing to do. I won’t stop processing until I am dead. My brain is the seed. My veins are the branches. I am not perfect.

I have experienced a lot of changes. We moved six times in ten years, financially there are challenges with the car, health, and activities.

She is a great kid, and she is the best gift God bestowed upon me. I love her sensitivity, caring, and great personality. She is funny, very friendly, and very intelligent.

One day, maybe on her wedding day, I give these words, in this book, to her as a present

for her to read.

I have so much planned for her. The future. The world is her oyster.  The land, the sea, the sun, the moon, and the air.

Discovering new worlds.

Jacobs ladder. She is going to climb to the highest highs, upwards and onwards. Sky’s the limit.

I miss the comfort of apathy. Rocket man needs to land.

They say that every 6 minutes, someone takes their own life. This is so wrong. Why is this? Why?

Is my family falling apart? Mommy has depression, feeling void of all happiness. This isn’t a fairy tale. A fairy tale does not look back to explain the way things could have been. It isn’t a celebration, either. It isn’t about sheltering or investing the future. Which of them is more deserving of my attention? Worry my pretty head off for My wife? mi Corazon? How do I divert my attention? Who is more significantly affected? (although life constantly changes)

This is my albatross, my dearest reader.

I want to make you cry. I want my story to shake you to tears. I want you to drown in your tears. Two drops – one from each eye. Why? Life is dickless.

Is it true?

My daughter said to me that she was a victim of being bullied in school. REAL LIFE.

Bullies. Why do they hate? My little corazon cried at the dinner table. My heart broke. She’s only in grade school for Christ’s sake.

She cries real tears, unlike a lot of times when a child is crying for attention. It was really heart breaking because as her parent, I want to protect her from any hurt she may feel.

Somebody should do something about this.

Bulling. It’s an epidemic. I don’t care who pays for it, I want someone accountable. There must be accountability. Discussion is not enough. When I hear on the news or read something about a suicide as a result of bulling, maybe a school shooting, I think to myself, where is the outrage? Why isn’t anyone doing anything? Pain. So much pain.

The pathology of a bully never changes. The bully plays a sadistic game of controlling, and the act of being hostile to another human. They attack the unwilling and unsuspecting, shattering the soul of another person (mostly the week). This is the target of a bully. The reduction of another persons ego, and then exploit his or hear weaknesses, is their goal. The deepest, darkest little secrets of the vulnerable. The darker the secret, the more is at stake. Clear your mind.

A bully uses extreme prejudice to exploits someone’s weakness. Together, prejudice and insecurities, breaking the spirit of a man. How can this reconcile? At the very least the vision is obscured.  The goal of a blubbering mess of a man, is what it means to bully someone. Is that something to laugh at?

 Is it a crime, if not being social, not taking responsibility in the company of the public. Not being a catalyst to change or bring awareness to bullying is defined as the standard for “urban indifference.” Have you heard screams from your neighbors, have you done anything? The seconds are so important, but no one tried to help.

Bullies are emboldened the same way. Yet, that which they know – the absence of love is their only existence.

For those of you who stand around fearing that bullies are someone else’s responsibility. You are worthless. Make a stand up to injustice, and remember that fear will keep you from loving and love will conquer your fears.

We have “Good Samaritan” laws in all 50 states, as well as the 911 emergency system, and countless social psychologists.

That is a start. But we need more forward progress.

Let’s begin with the home. In order to maintain a healthy family environment, you need to come from a place of love. The loved are radiant.

I am not a bad person. But, maybe tears can do something that might surprise you. It makes you feel. It makes you fight. It changes people around you and makes them pay attention. But don’t be misguided, it changes you too – happiness can make you cry.

Crying is powerful in a way that makes people stand up and take notice, care, and makes you feel alive. It opens your heart. It makes God die on the cross. And not just God but the angels, too. Time is suspended.

One word. Power.

Reflect on your life. Think for a moment. I want you to value your history. However, when you do look back, keep an open mind so that you understand enough – yet, not enough to be overwhelming. What does this mean exactly?

My wife has a powerful presence, and a great big heart – louder than the tick tock of bombs. mi Corazon and My wife have a very special bond. She is an amazing parent. Nothing else matters. It wasn’t until recently, that I can allow us to have a special bond of our own. In the past, I thought parenting was together, to avoid battles. Like it was parents against spawn. It was very educational to accept the idea that we can love without worrying if I am leaving the family component out of the picture.

Her heart is so big. I love both of the women in my life, but mi Corazon radiates wisdom beyond her years. My wife is going through a medically resistant depression, and saying to myself that mi Corazon isn’t affected by it is wrong and ignorant. Deconstructive.

Never underestimate the infinite powers of the mind.

She is my big girl. When mi Corazon talks, her innocence, integrity, and sweetness shines through and never ceases to surprise me. Her life is going too fast, yielding a new year (after year), and full of exciting milestones. Nearly every parent understands what I am describing.

This is too much for mi Corazon to handle, yet she is my hero and wiser than the wise men of the Jesus Messiah. She seems very intent on helping.

The hardest part for me right now is dropping mi Corazon off at school. She cries, when she tells me that one of her classmates spit at her. His name is Duke. Why should we worry her – that to tell her these problems were more than skin deep, his soul is black – now it is time that we need to get out of the car. But seriously, Why? Does she not like school?

When we have a heart to heart conversation, she always makes my heart smile, “I am never going to leave you or mommy.”

“What about college,” I say.

“No, I am not going.” Sigh.

The last thing I want to do is push her away. She is my pride and joy. Smile and the whole world smiles back at you. She tickles my heart. Yet I also know that adjustments come along with the package of life, and wishes, and dreams.

I already know how important her mommy is to her. On a few occasions, she admits to me, when I pick her up from her grandparents house, her “heart hurts.” I am frustrated, because we are all fighting for mommy and sometimes fear that Mommy doesn’t see or understand all the care and sacrifices we make. At least that is how I perceive it. Yet, she is keeping me strong.

I really enjoy when she comes home with me and we spend the night joking, saying our prayers, and watching TV. She is so strong. Much stronger than I am.

Please. Please don’t cry, it breaks my heart.

A few months went by and she asked me, “when is mommy coming home?” She inspired me to tears. She asked me to “text” mommy that she loves her and misses her. Even right now, I am getting sentimental. One word. Power.

When she has me sleep next to her, under her bunk bed, I am her security (and she is mine) . Her insecurity is definitely showing but not in a bad way when I think about it. But the real question is will she become undone? If so, when?

One weekend began at a bbq, at her aunt’s house. My wife and her mom came and it was fun. mi Corazon and I stayed late after everyone left. I let mi Corazon stay up and her good behavior made me beam with love.

The next day, we drove down to Simi Valley where my dad and mom live. Mi Corazon had a great time with her cousins. One of her cousins was only about 1.5 years old, but mi Corazon was paying a lot of attention to her as if she was her big sister.

At her aunt’s house I also noticed how mi Corazon played her piano so well. I was really impressed and others who noticed, were also impressed, and they complemented her.  It was so inspiring that I bought her a guitar.

Knowledge is love.