STEAMPUNK10

Between my wife’s depression, and hiding my daughter from worrying herself into nightmares, I was on borrowed time.

The drama might seem the same, or, it might help those to commiserate with. Help me, I am dying.

Just recently, I experienced chest pains near my sternum. After two days of pain, I decided to call my HMO. At the end of the call, the nurse suggested I call 911 or get to the ER. I am not visibly sick and know the mentality of the ER. Unless I am displaying physical contusions or bleed out all over the place, the ER is a waist of time. Unless that is, I had an infected Gallbladder.

I had a nightmare. It was 20 years since my last surgery, back in the year 1999. I was in crushing pain that came from my (or what I perceived was), my sternum. In my sleep, I was eye popping awake. Yet I was unable to wake up. I thought my problems were Crohn’s related. The claws of a demon, put me out of commission and, the shock was real, the only way that I could let go.

Next time I will flush shock out of my system. The only way I can let go.

Well, my dear reader, Crohn’s Disease fucked me up, yet again. The pain is the only real thing. My tolerance turned into a personal challenge with pain.

Pain? Ha! I am the king of pain…. I had pain in terms I hadn’t known of recently, the lost and forgotten feelings of the surgical resection of my small bowels. Well, there you have it. I had a CT of my abdomen and they saw that my infection was in my gallbladder.

Pay attention. I experienced the most heart breaking signs of those affected by my illness.

I was prepared to jump in my car and drive to work. I was all ready, jumped into my car and thought to myself, “this is crazy.” I need to know that I am ok. I closed my car, walked back to the apartment, and said to My wife, I can’t go to work today.

I wasn’t even out of my clothes and I went back to bed. Then the most incredible thing happened. mi Corazon was crying close enough to feel her hot breath, the breath she used to take my breath away. “Are you going to die?” She’s 7 at this time. The trouble is she was affected by my incurable symptoms.

Superman can’t die. I was her superman. I was determined to save my daughter from her concerns. I choose to live. I am a survivor.

The difference between a “fighter,” and a “survivor,” is that a fighter can lose the fight. A survivor is someone who never gives up, even in the face of adversity. Like the sun, always greets us in the morning, I’m in an orbit of pain. It comes and goes. But this is the last time.

I am next to my daughter. Her tears purify my soul. My daughter was next to me.

I would be fine and not be affected by my own mortality. I am not scared to die. But I am fighting to live, the feeling of leaving this world without experiencing my daughter’s life, hits me like a punch to the guts. But, I am a survivor.

It gets harder and harder to give up. Dying. I don’t want to die. It isn’t an option. I don’t want to leave my wife and daughter’s side. I will fight the discretionary demons with all I have. She’s sleeping in her own bed right now, but sometime while the rest of the house is still, she’ll find her way in our bed. She’s afraid that we’ll leave her. Of course this is absurd. She even told me that she feels like we’re punishing her by putting her to bed.

Peaceful, how her face looks and the sound of her breath. If a lullaby is personified, that would be her. Today, she stayed home out of concern that she has a cough. Since today was a non work day for me, we just sat on the couch and watched Netflix, mostly in our jammies. I made us soup, tea, and watched the raindrops from our sliding glass window.

We read a couple of books, with the understanding that I would let her use my computer to play Minecraft. I couldn’t keep composed while correcting her vocabulary mistakes, as we read. I don’t want to get to a head of myself, but I meant well. I was frustrated. There is a lot on my plate. Between health and money. I just lost it. Only I was more passive aggressive than in her face angry. I have a conscious.

No one can imagine the loneliness I feel. Stuck in my thoughts. It’s amazing how your mind affects your body and vice versa.

But now, as she sleeps, I am coming around. I just needed to rest my weary bones. Still I couldn’t stop my thoughts from invading the silence and peace of being the last one in the household to sleep.